In her 2024 book Be Who You Are to Get What You Want, Damali Peterman shares a car purchasing experience that makes clear that “one-size-fits-all” negotiation advice is deeply flawed. A lawyer and experienced mediator, Peterman had read all the bestselling negotiation books, including one with a play-by-play script for buying a car. At the first dealership she visited, when the salesman named a price, she followed the suggested script and replied, “I can’t do that.”
The expert who wrote the book had laid out what would happen next—the salesman would make a counteroffer, and after some back and forth, he’d say he had to speak to his manager. But in Peterman’s case, none of that happened. As a Black professional, despite her degrees, status, and business attire, when she said, “I can’t do that,” the salesman believed her, and made no serious effort to sell her a car.
Photo by @Kenny.leys via Unsplash.com
At the next dealership she went to, Peterman tossed out the expert advice. When the salesman came her way, she made the point that she was a serious customer by announcing with a smile, “Don’t come over here unless you are ready to sell a car today.” However, before discussing the car, she invited the salesman to tell her more about himself and she made several personal connections. They had both moved to upstate New York from Manhattan. The salesman was a runner, and while Peterman’s son was too young to join a track team, she explained that he was always on the move, and she could imagine him being drawn to the sport of running.
Social science research tells us that people tend to like and be drawn to people similar to themselves. While this can create barriers when working across differences, Peterman used her listening superpower to forge connections between herself and the salesman, so that he saw her as an individual, rather than through a biased lens. With that foundation, Peterman was able to purchase the car she desired at a price that worked for her.
When facilitating group and workshop sessions on negotiation, I love the empowerment participants experience as they broaden their repertoire. I cover negotiation basics, but I don’t stop there. We look at how negotiations might play out differently depending on social identity, review strategies to mitigate bias, think through the emotional aspects of negotiation, and consider actions leaders can take to create a more level playing field.
I also acknowledge that we are not all alike. Research on emotional contagion tells us that people who can bring an optimistic attitude to the conversation may positively influence their negotiating partners, creating an advantage for those who negotiate in-person or by telephone or Zoom. However, if your tendency is to immediately cave when met with even a bit of resistance, email or text conversations that give you time to pause and think may make more sense. At the end of the day, the best strategies don’t come from a script, but by negotiating from the most centered, authentic version of yourself.